Friday, 24 July 2015

I'm not typical...

Right now is usually my designated writing time. I devote these next few hours to my books while my husband cleans away supper dishes and the kids play at the park or in their rooms however, upon procrastinating and checking my Facebook, I see these videos about girls and how they like to snuggle. They want a man to hold them when they're crying. They want to cuddle after sex. They want romance and someone to watch hours upon hours of Netflix with.

I kind of look at them like, are you insane? I'm probably going to get a bit of slack for this and I should definitely mention that there is NOTHING wrong with girls like this. As I said, I think its typical for women...right? I just cant seem to grasp why? Don't get me wrong. I love my husband. We are junior high sweethearts and have been dating since I was thirteen years old. He is the love of my life, an amazing father, husband and person. As I type this, he's making supper for our kids after just vacuuming the floor and cleaning out the garage. I'm pretty lucky! I know not many men do this and again, I wonder why? Is it because their women don't think they can handle it? It's not their job?

Anyway, back on track. I love time to myself. All day long I am spent tending to kids (I look after a whole bunch of the neighborhood children during the day while their parents are working). My house is (usually) immaculate. I do hair sometimes in the evenings and write my book too. I'm exhausted. The last thing I want to do is give my time over to somebody else every night. I need to turn off my brain, replace it with some kind of mind-numbing TV show. I don't have the mental energy left to spend hours chatting about how my day was, what I want to do over the weekend, my goals in life or the trials and tribulations of the Buddhist Monks.

Occasionally, I want to go out. I want romance (I write romance books for God sakes) however the minute my husband starts calling me baby girl, buying me $90 bouquets of flowers, or having Josh Groban serenade me, he is getting a smack up the side of his head. Romance to me is surprising me with a Frappuccino, giving me a foot rub or volunteering to do the dishes without me having to beg or prostitute myself out to him (If you do the dishes, i'll...Wink Wink). It kind of sucks. Billy is great at sweet talk. He throws that shit around like beads at Mardi Gras. In turn, I usually laugh in his face. I mean, I appreciate it. If he were to stop doing it I'd be upset, I'd miss it however I just cant take him seriously when he's talking like Barry White and is all like, "You know baby, If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd use my last breath to say I love you." Blah! Gross!

Maybe this is TMI ( I know this is TMI) but I don't get it how after sex, girls want to cuddle?! Man, NO! I'm sweaty and exhausted. I've got to get up in a few hours. Roll over that way, I'll roll that way and our feet can snuggle a bit. How's that? I just gave you my everything. I told you I loved you and showed you the most affection anyone is capable of showing. I followed through on that deal we made yesterday for you doing the dishes. It's time to sleep. I DEFINITELY do not want to stay up all night talking. We had supper time for that. We have from the time you get home from work up until the time we go to bed to do that. Don't save it all up until 10:30 on Tuesday night so that we can talk about our ambitions in life...? Does anyone actually enjoy that?

This guy knows the way to my heart
Don't get me wrong. I believe that you need to build your man up, as he does you but rather than being the kind of woman who looks woefully into my husbands eyes, bats my eyelashes shedding a single tear and says, "Darling, the stars in the nights sky don't shine nearly as bright as your eyes" or "You are truly my soul mate and I want to spend every single breath with you" I'm more likely to say (as I lick his nostril) "Marriage is forever..." in my creapiests whisper and with the widest eyes I can muster or "Man, Billy, your ginger beard is what dreams are made of. I want to frolic in its magnificent-ness. "

Lastly, I feel like I'm an anomaly because of catty-ness. Its a real thing! My mother, I love her to pieces, she's an amazing woman but she believes that everything everyone says is  a jab at her. And I know she's not the only one! "Sally told me today my shirt was beautiful. She said she had one just like it but it was too big so she exchanged it.... What do you think she meant by that? She's calling me fat isn't she? Who does she think she is?" or, "My boss at work today told me I was doing an amazing job and out of all his employees, he values me the most. Can you believe him? Mocking me like that?"

I'm not saying it doesn't happen. It does. Women are crazy. I, however, honestly don't have the mental capacity to come up with that shit. And when someone says something to me, and if they are being catty, I wouldn't catch on right away anyways, unless they outright said, "Ashley, you're a disgusting bitch and I hate you."  I don't think like that.

Sigh, Don't even get me started on my taste in music. Sure, Taylor Swift is lovely. Katy Perry, great! But... is there something wrong with me because I love a good Rob Zombie tune? Is any other female still upset that My Chemical Romance is dead? Is it ok that the most used playlist on my Songza app is Pole dancing Rock?! Am I alone in all of this ladies? Am I too butch?
I just don't know anymore...

Sorry for any females I've offended by this...because that's another thing we do. Get offended over someone else's ideas....

My kind of romance

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