Overweight frumpy mom

It's no secret that since having my kids, I've struggled with my weight. Recently, I've reached my breaking point. Nothing I did was working. I've tried eating more, eating less, exercising more, exercising less, doing every combination of these four things simultaneously. I've done paleo, WeightWatchers, Visalus, Shakeology and most recently, Banting. I'll lose 10 lbs but within a few days its back on.

I have been miserable and it shows. I don't wear my nice clothes. Thinking about wearing them hurts. I need my yoga pants and loose tops because ya know, nothing makes you look thinner than a baggy t-shirt! Makeup is a chore for me. Anything besides a bun and a headband on top of my head makes me want to die.

Until today.

I feel like I've had a revelation. I discovered a video of a girl who's name is Loey Lane (Instagram: LoeyBug). This girl is beautiful and loves to wear bikinis. She is also plus-sized. Ladies like Tara-Lynn and Ashley Graham (Instagram: TheAshleyGraham) have also opened my eyes. They are all stunning, confident. Aside from being plus-sized, these ladies always look so put together!

I've decided that rather than making myself feel guilty about eating that burger. Shaming myself for eating that pasta or sitting on my ass at home and watching a movie, I'm just going to take care of myself. I went out and bought some new, non-frumpy clothes and even just that little tiny thing made my outlook so much brighter. I have a plan and while I mostly have always stuck to it, sometimes I need a reminder and a little push in the right direction. Fuck it. I'm fat but I can still feel good about myself. What does the size of my ass or the number on the scale have to do with who I am anyways?

I'll share with you things that make me feel good about myself:

• Shaving my legs and stuff. Everyday. Your armpits are no excuse. There is no reason to let these puppies get away from you. That's gross. Your legs? Meh... Maybe every other day, unless you're really hairy. Same goes for the... you know. If you don't wax it all, or if you're kind of in-between, clean that shit up. Even when your belly hangs over it and you haven't seen it in years, just knowing it looks nice will make you feel better about yourself.
• Exfoliate! There is no better feeling than exfoliating your entire body. Your skin looks and feels amazing (Especially now that you've finally shaved your legs). I use Rocky Mountain Soap Coconut Revitalizing Facial scrub and some exfoliating gloves I bought at Dollarama.
• Moisturize! With your freshly shaven and exfoliated skin, your body will feel like lubricated dolphins in a tub of butter. It's amazing! If you're like me and are too lazy to rub lotion on after your bath or shower, wait for 10 minutes and then get dressed (Because if we're really honest, we didn't become overweight for actually putting any effort into ourselves), buy a giant bottle of baby oil and squirt that shit right into the bathtub. Marinate in it for a bit. If you're a shower type guy, just squirt that all over yourself when you turn off the water. When you get out you just dry yourself off and a way you go.
•   Hair and makeup. Say what you want about conforming to beauty standards and whatever but no one can deny that they feel great when their hair is clean, dried and hell, even styled and they are wearing at least one coat of mascara. There is even a lazy gals way out of this too. Eyelash extensions. You can literally lay on a bed and have someone apply them for you while you nap. Repeat every 2 weeks!
• Lastly, wearing that damn dress and the sexy panties! Sure, you bought them last year when you were dating that guy and getting laid however now they're sitting in the drawer, neatly folded and collecting dust (Just like your vagina because you're feeling too shitty about yourself to actually go out and get some... at least you were until this morning when you shaved your legs for the first time in 8 months)... Or you're married like me. You know they are hot and that your ass looks great in them and the matching bra. Throw on that dress -that's-been-sitting-there-for-who-knows-how-long-because-you-think-it-looks-too-formal-and-people-will-wonder-why-you're-all-dressed-up-because-they're-so-used-to-seeing-you-in-your-yoga-pants-and-baggy-t-shirt too. Its just going to waste sitting there. Who cares if you're going to Wal-Mart or just sitting around the house. Fuck it. You'll look great and if that fails, take a goddamn selfie. Post that shit on Facebook and when all of your friends and family tell you how beautiful you look, listen to them. Don't analyze it when Sheryl from book club says, "You look great! What have you been doing?" Just accept it.

I know that taking care of yourself is tough. Especially when you're a mom. You put your kids and husband first with everything however, your health and your outlook on life affects them as much as it does you. There is nothing scarier than watching your 10 year old daughter try to cover herself in her bathing suit because she is insecure with her body, a trait she learned from you.

In the meantime, if you don't feel like doing any of these things and are completely satisfied with yourself, do me a favor? Never change! Oh, and also get a t-shirt that says "Fuck your beauty standards".

 I like that shit...

The elusive gentleman

You lift your hat, I'll lift my skirts... To show you my ankle.

Since my mother has moved in with us, old black and white movies have taken over our living room T.V. I love watching them. Everything was so glamorous and the men, while wearing their pants ridiculously high, were real men. They'd stand when a lady entered the room, stood or sat at a table. They tipped their hats, pulled out chairs, offered their arm and gave up seats on the bus.


Holding doors and saying, 'Ladies first' seems to be going extinct these days. I was watching the episode of friends last night where Rachel ends up dating Ross' girlfriends father played by Bruce Willis. Each time Rachael left the table at the restaurant to go to the bathroom, he would stand. When she returned, he pulled out her chair and stood, waited for her to sit, and then sat himself. It looked weird and exhausting in this modern day setting. Had my kids been there to watch, they would have asked, "Why does he keep standing like that?!" and that makes me sad.


I have a thing with men. They intimidate me. I'm not sure if that's all women or not, maybe I shouldn't even be saying this but, it's a fact. If I'm alone with a man that I don't know, I'm uncomfortable. I had to get my furnace cleaned out last month and two men came to do it. I wanted to bolt but instead, to make myself more at ease, I called my father-in-law to come and hang out until they finished. Later that week, I was walking across the street to get my kid from school. At the same time an older man got off the bus right next to me. I smiled at him, said hello when he smiled back however despite my friendly exterior, I was cringing inside. Having to walk a foot in front of him freaked me out. I could have cried when out of the corner of my eye, I saw him slow down, head toward the left side of me, in the grass, and walk purposely in my line of vision, but with some distance between us. He must have recognized the shock and awe on my face because when I turned to look at him, he smiled, waved and bowed to me. HE BOWED! I swear, this little man was seventy years old at least and I swooned like a boy-band loving teenager girl. Maybe his mama was like me and taught him to keep his distance from women, to make them more comfortable.

...Unless she's your grandma

My husband also surprised me the other day whilst we were out for our usual Sunday drive. He was telling me about this Purolator that delivered to his work who was super friendly, but very loud and had the mouth of a sailor. Don't get me wrong, swear words to me are my second language. Nothing adds more flavor and spice to a sentence like a good old F-bomb however, I wouldn't use these words in front of my mother or grandmother. This mail man spat them out oblivious to the fact that my husband was horrified for the women behind him.

"The poor girls in the back!" He said referring to the 50+ year old ladies in the warehouse. He may have got some for that... Kisses of course. Or a good hardy back rub. ;)

What I've been thinking about however is how quickly it all went to hell. Why is it such a shock to see it now a days? I get that women are more empowered, independent and all that stuff which I am all for but, when did respect disappear? And I don't want to hear any, 'You have to earn it' shit. People should respect strangers they pass in the street, their mothers, sisters, daughters, aunts and yes, even their fathers, husbands, uncles, brothers...

The world we live in these days is amazing. We are all so blessed and lucky to be alive this day and age however sometimes I just wish....



If you want some tips, I just found this brilliant tumblr page with just that! The rules of a gentleman!

Good things about the beard... Yes, i'm making an entire blog post about this...

Some women like the 'tall, dark and handsome' thing. Others prefer a man in a suit. I have a type as well... Its  a man with a big scruffy beard. More so, ginger beards! Sigh. They're the stuff dreams are made of. Jager is kind of... dear I say it (Don't read this husband) the whole package for me. Beard, bike, badassery... I'll even  take it a step further and tell you that jogging pants (Yes, I'm serious) are on that list too (Lets not get carried away. There is a type of jogging pants that are acceptable... No elastic ankles here people. No holey, mustard stained ones either).

I'm shocked to learn that some women don't go for this. More so, some men don't like it either. This is why I've compiled a list of reasons why beards are great.

1. They instantly turn any man into a badass
2. Bits of food stuck in it make for great snacks later
   
   
    
   
   
   
    
   
   
    
   
   
   
    
   

   

   I love you Ragnar!

3. Potential to achieve Viking status
4. Good for making extra money (Pretend you're homeless)
5. Tell ladies you were a Sons of Anarchy extra
6. Always have somewhere to hide things (Like weapons, food...)
7. Ability to keep you and your friends warm (Like a giant scarf!)
8. Makes a great disguise
9. You can use it for a sail on your boat
10. You can use it for a slide in the winter
11. You have the option to be a Tom Selleck look-a-like at anytime.
12. Women cant resist touching it.
13. You will never be mistaken for a woman
14. Khal Drogo had one
    
15. George Clooney had one
16. They don't just make you hot in the summer, they make you hot all year round!
17. People make blog posts about them
18. Hides acne
19. You can be a wizard (or at least look like one)
20. They protect against the sun, therefore, will keep you looking younger and healthier!

Why you DON'T want to write romance/ adult novels.

My favorite books always include a boy and a girl, a few good 'love' scenes and a happy ending (Not that kind...) where none of the main characters die. I love getting whisked away into this other world where I can have all the feels of a new relationship, of falling in love, being flirted with, seduced without having to feel guilty about cheating on my husband.

When I decided to start writing, romance was the obvious choice. You write what you know, right? Altering Authority had been kind of an on-going daydream for me. I was proud of its twists and turns and thought, this would make a great book. And so I did! I spent MONTHS doing jot notes, writing, editing, re-reading, stressing over characters, losing characters, adding characters, thinking of the perfect love scenes. Those are the parts that draw you in! I read even more books, gained knowledge on how they presented their 'sexy parts' (giggidy). My life was this story. I was so wrapped up in getting it finished, writing those amazing scenes that gave me butterflies. I didn't think of anything else besides the end product. Once it was written, I wrapped myself up in publishing. That became my world, until it happened.

Everyone was so proud. My friends were calling and congratulating me. My neighbors and family were sending flowers. It was amazing... Until they asked to read it.

My mom, who, despite having two grandchildren from me and knowing I've been with my husband for sixteen years still thinks I'm a virgin. My Muslim neighbor who thinks hugging your partner in public is risqué. The moms of the kids I look after before and after school, my great aunts and my husbands grandmother who'd worked in a convent up until retirement, all want to read my book. My book that is about prostitutes, strippers, bikers. My book with... how do I put this because I KNOW these people will also read this blog post(?) ...We will just call it 'Australian kissing scenes'. My daughters best friends mother, whom is thee sweetest lady you'll ever meet, texted me last night to tell me she ordered my book.

Sigh. How do I tell them that my book is NOT autobiographical? How many times do I have to assure them that those parts are NOT based on real life events, How many times do I have to assure them that I'm not a pervert but that I just read, a lot, before I'm comfortable with them reading it?

I'm pretty sure the answer is never. I should have gone with a male pen name. How does Mike Litoris Sound? Jack Mehoof? Ben Mehover?

Altering Authority is on sale!!!

Just thought I'd let you in on a little secret... Altering Authority is on sale for this week only! 67% off! That's huge!

Click here to go to the amazon page to check it out.