I'm not typical...

Right now is usually my designated writing time. I devote these next few hours to my books while my husband cleans away supper dishes and the kids play at the park or in their rooms however, upon procrastinating and checking my Facebook, I see these videos about girls and how they like to snuggle. They want a man to hold them when they're crying. They want to cuddle after sex. They want romance and someone to watch hours upon hours of Netflix with.

I kind of look at them like, are you insane? I'm probably going to get a bit of slack for this and I should definitely mention that there is NOTHING wrong with girls like this. As I said, I think its typical for women...right? I just cant seem to grasp why? Don't get me wrong. I love my husband. We are junior high sweethearts and have been dating since I was thirteen years old. He is the love of my life, an amazing father, husband and person. As I type this, he's making supper for our kids after just vacuuming the floor and cleaning out the garage. I'm pretty lucky! I know not many men do this and again, I wonder why? Is it because their women don't think they can handle it? It's not their job?

Anyway, back on track. I love time to myself. All day long I am spent tending to kids (I look after a whole bunch of the neighborhood children during the day while their parents are working). My house is (usually) immaculate. I do hair sometimes in the evenings and write my book too. I'm exhausted. The last thing I want to do is give my time over to somebody else every night. I need to turn off my brain, replace it with some kind of mind-numbing TV show. I don't have the mental energy left to spend hours chatting about how my day was, what I want to do over the weekend, my goals in life or the trials and tribulations of the Buddhist Monks.

Occasionally, I want to go out. I want romance (I write romance books for God sakes) however the minute my husband starts calling me baby girl, buying me $90 bouquets of flowers, or having Josh Groban serenade me, he is getting a smack up the side of his head. Romance to me is surprising me with a Frappuccino, giving me a foot rub or volunteering to do the dishes without me having to beg or prostitute myself out to him (If you do the dishes, i'll...Wink Wink). It kind of sucks. Billy is great at sweet talk. He throws that shit around like beads at Mardi Gras. In turn, I usually laugh in his face. I mean, I appreciate it. If he were to stop doing it I'd be upset, I'd miss it however I just cant take him seriously when he's talking like Barry White and is all like, "You know baby, If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd use my last breath to say I love you." Blah! Gross!

Maybe this is TMI ( I know this is TMI) but I don't get it how after sex, girls want to cuddle?! Man, NO! I'm sweaty and exhausted. I've got to get up in a few hours. Roll over that way, I'll roll that way and our feet can snuggle a bit. How's that? I just gave you my everything. I told you I loved you and showed you the most affection anyone is capable of showing. I followed through on that deal we made yesterday for you doing the dishes. It's time to sleep. I DEFINITELY do not want to stay up all night talking. We had supper time for that. We have from the time you get home from work up until the time we go to bed to do that. Don't save it all up until 10:30 on Tuesday night so that we can talk about our ambitions in life...? Does anyone actually enjoy that?

This guy knows the way to my heart

Don't get me wrong. I believe that you need to build your man up, as he does you but rather than being the kind of woman who looks woefully into my husbands eyes, bats my eyelashes shedding a single tear and says, "Darling, the stars in the nights sky don't shine nearly as bright as your eyes" or "You are truly my soul mate and I want to spend every single breath with you" I'm more likely to say (as I lick his nostril) "Marriage is forever..." in my creapiests whisper and with the widest eyes I can muster or "Man, Billy, your ginger beard is what dreams are made of. I want to frolic in its magnificent-ness. "

Lastly, I feel like I'm an anomaly because of catty-ness. Its a real thing! My mother, I love her to pieces, she's an amazing woman but she believes that everything everyone says is  a jab at her. And I know she's not the only one! "Sally told me today my shirt was beautiful. She said she had one just like it but it was too big so she exchanged it.... What do you think she meant by that? She's calling me fat isn't she? Who does she think she is?" or, "My boss at work today told me I was doing an amazing job and out of all his employees, he values me the most. Can you believe him? Mocking me like that?"

I'm not saying it doesn't happen. It does. Women are crazy. I, however, honestly don't have the mental capacity to come up with that shit. And when someone says something to me, and if they are being catty, I wouldn't catch on right away anyways, unless they outright said, "Ashley, you're a disgusting bitch and I hate you."  I don't think like that.

Sigh, Don't even get me started on my taste in music. Sure, Taylor Swift is lovely. Katy Perry, great! But... is there something wrong with me because I love a good Rob Zombie tune? Is any other female still upset that My Chemical Romance is dead? Is it ok that the most used playlist on my Songza app is Pole dancing Rock?! Am I alone in all of this ladies? Am I too butch?
I just don't know anymore...

Sorry for any females I've offended by this...because that's another thing we do. Get offended over someone else's ideas....

My kind of romance



Why you should read more books by local authors...

I completely forgot about my Goodreads Giveaway! There is only 9 days left to enter to win one of 3 copies of Altering Authority. I'll even sign it for you! The link is here for you to enter.

With that I will give you my list of why you should read my book, Altering Authority (or any book by a local author for that matter).

1. Each time you purchase a book, Amazon bumps it up a little bit on a list. When it gets so far, they will help you promote for free.
2. Authors make very little commission from books. Its not glamorous. It doesn't make us more successful. What it does do is give us a little extra income (In the long run) for the little things like helping out with my daughters braces or going toward the cover for book two.
3. We work REALLY hard writing that book. The road to publishing is a long one. There is the jot notes, the writing, the editing (So much editing), the proof reading, the cover designing, the formatting (So much formatting) and then the publishing. Don't even get me started on promoting!
4. Publishing It's scary! Putting yourself out there in the world for EVERYONE to criticize is daunting and there is always going to be someone to criticize. I know that Altering Authority is far from grammatically correct but nonetheless, there it is. It kind of feels like you've just eaten an amazing turkey dinner, stuffed yourself silly with it because you've been waiting all year for it and then you were forced to go stand outside naked and let everyone discuss your girth. Sometimes people are nice and they will see only the good in you (Thank God this seems to be the case so far with my book). Lots of the time people will see where you are lacking and feel obligated to comment on it. Shitty, right? 
5. Reading is fun! You get to imagine your own world, put yourself in someone else's shoes. Like George R.R. Martin said, "A reader lives a thousand lives. The man who never reads lives only one."
6. There's nothing good on TV right now anyways. Sons of Anarchy is over, Game of Thrones, The Originals, Agents of Shield are all done for the season. What else is there?
7. Positive reviews are AMAZING! Imagine giving birth to a baby. Taking said baby out into the world  to show off because you are so proud of this thing you've created, this part of you that you worked so hard to conceive and everyone grimacing at it, telling you its not good enough. You'd be crushed! Now, imagine people telling you how exceptional, fun, beautiful and amazing this baby is. Its a high unlike no other! The same goes for reviews.
8. Walmart, Chapters and Indigo make loads of money! Buy from amazon and, like I said in number two, you're helping out a person directly.
9. You could learn something new! Like how to have sex in a bathtub or prison cell! How long it would take someone to pass out after having their fingers cut off or what color scrubs inmates wear in California. Truly invaluable information.
10. You get to have an affair, without having an affair. Lets be honest. You've thought about Charlie Hunnam, Travis Fimmel and Jason Momoa doing filthy things to you. Now imagine those images in your head, already thought out for you! It's the guilt-free, lazy way to cheat, without the guilt. Aside from that, you're husband will love you more for it because at the end of each of those steamy chapters, you'll need somewhere to take out your... frustration? Elation?

 

 

 



You're welcome ladies, but don't touch. They're mine... All three of them. Buy my book and I'll share... Maybe.

 

Facebook interview with the naughty author Kassandra Cross... You'll never believe how her husband feels about her profession!

Yesterday I had the honor of interviewing fellow author Kassandra Cross! So nice and down to earth, I had a hard time (Pun intended) separating this sweet woman from the erotica-writing author of such books as Sex with the CEO, and The Babysitters first time.

Read through our conversation and be sure to click on her links to check her out. You wont believe what her husband thinks of her profession!

 

 

You can check out Kassandra's Facebook page here.  and her Instagram here.

Why you DON'T want to write romance/ adult novels.

My favorite books always include a boy and a girl, a few good 'love' scenes and a happy ending (Not that kind...) where none of the main characters die. I love getting whisked away into this other world where I can have all the feels of a new relationship, of falling in love, being flirted with, seduced without having to feel guilty about cheating on my husband.

When I decided to start writing, romance was the obvious choice. You write what you know, right? Altering Authority had been kind of an on-going daydream for me. I was proud of its twists and turns and thought, this would make a great book. And so I did! I spent MONTHS doing jot notes, writing, editing, re-reading, stressing over characters, losing characters, adding characters, thinking of the perfect love scenes. Those are the parts that draw you in! I read even more books, gained knowledge on how they presented their 'sexy parts' (giggidy). My life was this story. I was so wrapped up in getting it finished, writing those amazing scenes that gave me butterflies. I didn't think of anything else besides the end product. Once it was written, I wrapped myself up in publishing. That became my world, until it happened.

Everyone was so proud. My friends were calling and congratulating me. My neighbors and family were sending flowers. It was amazing... Until they asked to read it.

My mom, who, despite having two grandchildren from me and knowing I've been with my husband for sixteen years still thinks I'm a virgin. My Muslim neighbor who thinks hugging your partner in public is risqué. The moms of the kids I look after before and after school, my great aunts and my husbands grandmother who'd worked in a convent up until retirement, all want to read my book. My book that is about prostitutes, strippers, bikers. My book with... how do I put this because I KNOW these people will also read this blog post(?) ...We will just call it 'Australian kissing scenes'. My daughters best friends mother, whom is thee sweetest lady you'll ever meet, texted me last night to tell me she ordered my book.

Sigh. How do I tell them that my book is NOT autobiographical? How many times do I have to assure them that those parts are NOT based on real life events, How many times do I have to assure them that I'm not a pervert but that I just read, a lot, before I'm comfortable with them reading it?

I'm pretty sure the answer is never. I should have gone with a male pen name. How does Mike Litoris Sound? Jack Mehoof? Ben Mehover?